When a wife leaves for another woman

January 12th, 2010

Dear readers,

I have been having an on-going dialogue with Jose in Texas via email, as he used the ‘Contact Us’ page instead of commenting on one of the posts.  I have asked his permission to post our dialogue, and he has granted it.  Following is that dialogue:

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Name: Jose

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Comments: I would like to talk or chat with other dads who have spouses who left with another woman. I cannot understand how or why after 25 years of marriage, how did this happen?  Why was I blind to this in our marriage? I trusted my wife, and didn’t think she would do this to me…

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Sent: Thu, January 7, 2010 4:46:51 PM
Subject: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

Jose,

 I am REALLY sorry to hear that your wife left with another woman, particularly given that you were married so long.

 Yes, she did it to you, but in a way she did not…  She has done it to herself and the devastation she will endure will be terrible.  I can only pity her and pray for her that she will not lose her soul to her disordered passions.

Why were you blind to this?  I have learned painfully that I cannot know another person’s heart and even if I could, I am often too absorbed in my own interests that I miss a lot of the signals and warnings.  I have learned that only deep prayer can keep my heart, mind and soul sensitive enough to be aware of other’s needs.  The more I pray, the more aware I am.

Jose, do you mind if we put this discussion on the comments on the web site?  Then others will be attracted to your comments and you will be able to chat with others who have had the same experience.

 Let me know.

Peace

 Dave at Divorced Catholic Dads

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Sent: Friday, January 08, 2010 2:51 PM
To:dave
Subject: Re: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

That’s fine….I want the whole world to know what kind of woman this is…..

I know that God has a plan to show her a lesson, and I hope it’s not through the kids..

I know vengeance is His and it is mighty & swift….

She didn’t even want to go speak to our priest at our church.. she noted ” I DONT WANT TO GO SEE THAT MAN”!!!  It’s awful how she has lost her faith and a sense of religion in her heart….

THANKS

Jose

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To: jose
Sent: Fri, January 8, 2010 9:55:16 PM
Subject: RE: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

Jose,

And so it falls to you to be what God, what Christ, calls you to be, alone.  He calls you to be holy and the example of Christianity to your wife and children.  It is especially now, in this time of your greatest suffering, that He holds out the greatest graces to you. 

Be the best Catholic man you can be.  Now is the time for you to be a man.  A man of Christ.  Just think of how He responded both to the prostitutes and to the soldiers who tortured and killed him.  He was compassionate.  And that is our example.

Pray, pray, pray and then pray more for courage, strength and wisdom.  And your brother Divorced Dads will pray with and for you as well.

 Dave

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Sent: Saturday, January 09, 2010 7:25 PM
To: dave
Subject: Re: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

 Its that I’m hurting so much….I’m trying not to go to the lawyer and file for the divorce yet..I’m still hoping that God will intervene, in just as small as a  mustard seed.

My kids at time are rude & ugly to me when I call them…I just blow it off so 
I can hear & speak to them…My son called me last night to ask me for money, he had his car impounded for outstanding tickets…I told him I would help him, but he later called me and told me no after all….I just wish I could talk to my wife to apologize and communicate with her..She doesn’t want to have anymore conversation with me.  I asked my daughter and she said mom says no…I feel like their intent is to break me down emotionally…I’m praying constantly to keep from this happening…

I wish there were some more brothers here in HOUSTON to help me…

Regards

Jose

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To: jose
Sent: Sun, January 10, 2010 10:42:03 AM
Subject: RE: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

Jose,

 I understand the hurt.  Actually, my wife left me 5 times before she finally left the last time and filed for divorce.

 If you are “still hoping God will intervene”, then in my experience, I found I  needed to open myself as much as I could to hear Him.  So I went to confession and Mass to receive the Eucharist.  I did not want any stain of sin clouding my interior vision or my ability for my heart to hear His word to me.  As I said before, God has great graces for you in this time of suffering.  He will never allow anything in our lives that He does not also provide sufficient graces if we will be open to them.

This is a time when it is VERY important to be in tune with the graces God has for you in this time of suffering.  Offer your emotional, psychological and human suffering for your sins and the sins of your wife.  Yes, you will suffer in your hurt and react humanly, and that is only normal.  Or you can suffer in your hurt and react with the grace of God – spiritually.  Just recognize that your emotions are normal human reactions, but separate the spirit from the flesh within yourself.  Let the suffering rip your flesh apart from your spirit and put your will in the spiritual side. 

I had no one to help me.  Many times I cried out to God for someone here locally to help me, but there was no one.  No family, no friends.  Just me and Jesus and Mary and my parish priest.  Can you find a parish priest who can help? 

I will still work at putting this dialog on the blog so that perhaps someone in Houston will see it and maybe put the two of you in touch.

Peace

Dave

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Sent: Monday, January 11, 2010 12:13 AM
To: dave
Subject: Re: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

Could you explain to me a little bit more in detail how I can separate the emotional, psychological, and physical sense…   I feel like I want to give up on my kids since they protected her and went on her side.  My priest at church told  me I have been betrayed 3 times:  1- my wife 2- next, my kids  3rd – my friend from work whom I introduced to my wife, the lesbian.

Everyone else around me tells me I didn’t do anything wrong, it was my wife who just left like a thief in the night. She never gave me a chance to try to work things out.  I kind of suspected it might have been her boss if not the lesbian friend .  She met someone who was able to give her the intimacy we lacked in our marriage. 

Jose

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To: jose
Sent: Mon, January 11, 2010 5:38:49 AM
Subject: RE: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

Jose,

I want you to do a short exercise.  Say a short prayer – Our Father or Hail Mary and ask the Spirit to help you.  Then, for a moment, close your eyes and then ‘step away from your body’.  Look at what you see.  A hurting guy and ……….  Describe it to yourself.  That is your humanity suffering – emotional, psychological and physical.  But that is NOT your soul, your spirit, which is with you as you stepped away.

Then you can see what Jesus sees.  A guy who is hurting emotionally, psychologically and physically, even.  But that is JUST your humanity, which is not eternal and will die some day.  Your soul, the spiritual part of you is what will live forever, and the destiny of your soul is based on the choices you make – your decisions, particularly at this moment.

When you do this, then you have a way to separate the spirit from the flesh.  And you can have pity for the humanity part of you without getting sucked into letting it drive your thoughts and actions.  Pray for the strength to go there often.  Then the great graces God is offering you in this moment of great suffering will give you peace and sanity.  You can, with God’s grace, look at the situation with peace, objectivity, and detachment.  Pray for detachment. 

 Pray for God’s wisdom.  The world has no wisdom compared to God’s.  Look around you at your own condition and the condition of the world.  This is wisdom?  It is pathetic.  No, God means to give you wisdom.  His.  And He is with you.  NOW.  And at every moment.

OK, so you, like me are a sinner and were not the best you could be in your marriage, and lacked some degree of intimacy.  EVERY man who ever was married and walked the earth with the exception of St. Joseph, was the same way in their marriage – not perfect for what our wives needed.  You have lots of company.  It is normal to fail in what we were called to by the Sacrament of Marriage.  God is supposed to be the Third Person in our marriage around whom we both center our relationship.  So, as you look at your own sin and weakness, your failings in the marriage that were not what Christ called you to, then be honest with yourself and Him and make a confession.  So I disagree with your family and friends:  yes, you did do something wrong in your marriage, but every husband can say the same thing.  Start with the realization that your sin and weakness was a contributor to the situation, just as your wife’s was.  And make a good confession.  That is key to coming to peace.  It is the building block, the foundation.

I would say it perhaps differently than your priest.  Your wife betrayed herself, the Sacrament of Marriage, and Jesus, not you.  You are not her god and were never meant to be.  That is ‘possessive’ of her and the relationship.  In marriage, we give ourselves to each other to be helpmates and stewards to each other and our children to get to heaven.  We do not own each other or our children.  That is the disorder of our culture.  We become so possessive of our wives and children that we become addicted in a way, and when they are taken from us for whatever reason, then we act like drug addicts going into withdrawal.  Sound familiar? 

To say she betrayed you is correct perhaps from the human standpoint, but not from the spiritual or eternal standpoint.  No, she did not betray you, if you understand what I mean.  She betrayed only herself, the Sacrament and God.  Pray for her conversion.

And your children did not betray you.  They were manipulated, perhaps and maybe even, seeing the marriage from outside, saw where the love they were receiving was coming from because you were gone working or whatever.  But, again, they did not betray you.  When they are old enough to reason right from wrong and have attained spiritual maturity, then they will see the truth, for whatever that is.

And the lesbian did not betray you, but rather, herself and God.  And giving in to her weaknesses and lusts, led someone else astray.  Pray for her conversion.  God’s justice for the unrepentant in eternity (hell) is not something I would wish on anyone.

So no one has betrayed you.  All, including you, just like the rest of us have fallen in sin and weakness.  We betray ourselves, the Sacraments and God.  Once you can understand that, that no one has betrayed you, then you can see more clearly.  We are all responsible for our own decisions.  You cannot blame yourself for your wife’s decisions, or your children’s – or anyone else’s decisions.  You can only take responsibility for your own decisions.

Decide today. 

Decide to let go. 

Decide to love. 

Decide to pray for conversions for yourself, your wife, your children, the lesbian and everyone supporting them. 

Decide to admit the truth about your own sin and weaknesses. 

Decide today to struggle for holiness as God is calling you to, particularly now, in this moment. 

Decide today not to blame anyone. 

Decide today to raise the eyes of your heart and mind to God many times throughout the day and ask Him how you should think and act.

Decide today to accept the grace He is offering you.

Decide to let every action be guided by Him.

Make those decisions today.  And tomorrow and the next day. And EVERY day.

Then Christ, who is the Answer to every dilemma, every question and every struggle, will give you His wisdom and His Peace, a peace the world cannot understand.

The Peace of Christ be with you.

Dave

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From: jose 
Sent: Monday, January 11, 2010 11:11 PM
To: dave
Subject: Re: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

 WOW DAVE,

I never really envisioned my soul and detachment of humanity on myself in that light. What comes to mind, is that a lot of this sin could have been avoided.  I myself brought it upon myself for sins not confessed and forgiven. Did I really wholeheartedly ask a true confession for my past transgressions?  Is God showing me and opening my heart up for a true contrite heart to make myself pure for his works?  Does he have a plan he’s going to set me upon to walk through?  I have only concerns for the relationship that has been scarred with the children.  It will only take time like you say until they reach maturity and can grasp the truth “VERITAS”.

I can only hope and try to improve my relationship with the children , when they are ready to come around.  At different times I have reached out to them, and each time I end up getting hurt and feeling worse.  I asked   them to attend Mass this past Sunday and I invited them to breakfast. My daughter never hugged me or spoke to me, and the whole time she was text messaging with her friend or her mom..  My oldest son was on the defense with me and just started arguing about issues going on between me & my wife.  I just feel like just leaving them alone for right now and not to persist anymore contact. I thank you for taking time out of your schedule to help me and guide me with your knowledge and spirit of our Father..

Thank You

Jose

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Sent: Tuesday, January 12, 2010 10:56 AM
To: ‘jose sainz’
Subject: RE: Divorced Catholic Dads web site inquiry

Jose,

 WOW God!  You are a ‘beautiful’ soul!  Open to hearing God’s word to you.  If I as a poor schlock and sinner myself can be a conduit, then fine, but it is you who are open and receptive to Him.

 Yes, we can both say that much of our sin could have been avoided.  All sin can be avoided.  And a “humble and contrite heart He will not spurn” as scripture says.  I grow in humility, it seems, only by being humiliated humanly before God, others and before myself.  I am not the great and wonderful guy I think I am in my humanity.  An openness to being humiliated, instead of anger and resentment at being humiliated, can lead to the virtue of humility if one is prayerful about it.

 And so, our wives and family leaving us is certainly a humiliation.  Seeing my sin in truth for what it is, is a humiliation.  I can never throw a rock at someone else or condemn them, because in the depth of my heart I know my sin and how much worse I am than they could ever be – even if their sin is so open and gross.  My sin is worse because I know God, I have a relationship with Him, and still I commit sin and offend Him terribly.  Who is the worst – the one who is insane and commits murder or one who has full use of their own mind and plans it and carries it out? 

So I have gay, lesbian and playboy friends, but I see their sin, their pain they are obviously reacting out of and only have pity for them and pray.  “Lord, they do not know what they are doing.”  But I know what I am doing when I choose sin over obedience.  Who is the worse sinner?  I am.  The realization brings humiliation, insight into the truth, repentance and freedom as I embrace the Mercy of God through His Sacraments.  Then I can stand firm in my faith and be the silent, and sometimes not so silent, witness even as I reach out in friendship and love, praying to draw them into the arms of Christ as someone else did for me.

With truth, humility and God’s abundant Mercy, then I can be pure for His works as you say so accurately.   Repentance and reparation for my sin is the starting point for me to begin a renewed climb of the mountain of holiness.  The mountain we are all called to climb from our baptism.  Jose CAN be holy and grow in holiness each day.  He calls each of us to that.  It is not just for clergy or the saints.  We are all called to holiness.  And He will provide the grace to do it. 

This is your moment of grace, in the depth of your pain and suffering.  Open your heart to it at this moment!  Rejoice!  He will fill an empty vessel.  It is your time of ‘kyros’ – your time of grace!  Empty yourself completely before HIM and be open to being filled with Him and His grace.  See with new eyes, hear with new ears, and love with a new heart! 

 

Ezekiel 36:26

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you.

I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

 

And if you are serving Him with all your heart, mind and soul as scripture says, He will take care of the salvation of your children, and perhaps even heal them in secret ways at the appropriate time.  He WILL take care of the loved ones of his dedicated servants. 

It was a good thing to reach out to your children.  They DO need you, even if they do not know it or show it.  YOU must be the calm, peaceful and silent witness to the value and centrality of your Catholic faith and Jesus Christ in your life.  ESPECIALLY now, when they are living in the situation they are in, you must affirm your faith.  By the quiet witness of your life and behavior.  NOW is the time of ‘metanoia’ for you, the time for radical conversion.  Let them not hear it but see it. 

In the end, I always make sure that whatever the dilemma, my children know that I turn to my faith for the answer.  Christ IS the answer

Be exceedingly patient, kind and forgiving of them.  They are angry and they have shown it by their behavior.  That is perfectly normal and natural.  They have a right before God to be angry, right?  You and your wife failed them, yourselves and God.   Stay away from loosing yourself in your ‘hurt and feeling worse’.  That is the poison of a fallen humanity.  I deserved all the anger and frustration that came my way.  And actually, if they had known the depth of my sin, I deserved more.  Even my multiply handicapped, retarded son who has such a beautiful, sweet and innocent spirit was angry about the divorce and I was forced to deal with that.  Talk about humiliating.

Your witness of kindness, peace, forgiveness and love is very much needed in your children’s lives right now.  Be as Christ would be to them – merciful, understanding and loving.  No need to argue with them.  You do not need to defend yourself.  Just acknowledge their feelings, anger and frustration with you both.  It is the truth of the moment, and even if some of their perceptions are incorrect, the feelings are not. 

Be you, but make sure that you are striving to be a model of a father and husband who has failed, yes, but is struggling to grow in faith, hope, love and holiness.  Words are not needed.  Ask St. Joseph for his help and model him.

God will work miracles in your life if you stick to the path of serving Him, of that I am sure.  Look for them, but whether they can be seen and their timing is up to Him.

Peace,

Dave

Posted in Sexual infidelity | No Comments »

What to do with the pain

December 16th, 2009

Divorce causes pain.  Lots of pain.  Long, drawn out pain.  Emotional and psychological pain.  Blinding pain.  Depressing pain.  Pain without seeming remedy.  More pain than I have experienced in any other way.  As I have said before, I think the worst scourge on the face of the earth is abortion – killing the innocents for sexual convenience.  But having experienced it, I think that divorce is the second worst scourge on the earth.  The pain and destruction – the devestation caused by it is enormous, affecting the immediate family, but also extended families, and friends, fellow parishoners and even neighbors.  Relationships are destroyed and the community of life forged by those relationships and the love exchanged is shattered.

Let me be clear here: I can only talk from the experience of having divorce thrust on me, unwillingly and from my perspective, needlessly.  I speak from that vantage point only.

So, as a Catholic dad, what do I do with the pain I feel?  I had the occasion to share pizza and a glass of wine with a fellow parishoner a few weeks ago who was starting down the divorce path, after his wife tossed him out.  He was with his father who was visiting trying to help his son deal with it.  The son was in pain, a LOT of pain.  I remember those days and that pain very well.  Searing, blinding pain that I thought would claim my life with a heart attack or something.  So he was in pain.  I tried to talk to him about his pain and what his Catholic faith offered as a way to deal with it.  He was angry and stayed in it.  I found out several weeks later that he had come back to the same place looking for me a week later, perhaps to help him deal with what he detected was the truth.  But not finding me, he became frustrated and abusive, and ended up being hauled out to jail by the police.  Sad.

So what does a Catholic dad do with the pain he feels as he experiences divorce?

I will give you a radical answer:  offer it to Jesus Christ for your sins and those of your family and loved ones and all families suffering.

I believe that while divorce is a scourge and has no place in the lives of any family, it represents an unmatched opportunity for redemptive suffering.  I believe that if all the Catholic dads in the world who were going through or had gone through an unwanted divorce were to offer their suffering and pain for those intentions, the world would be radically changed in the blink of an eye. 

What else can I possibly do with the pain I am in?  Oh, sure, I see it all around me.  Sex, drugs, alcohol, the wild life, escapism, a live-in, compensations, anger, revenge and even violence.   Where so many Catholic dads take their pain is more destructive, to themselves, their families and their souls – their salvation.

But I am Catholic and being a Catholic, it affects every aspect of my life, including my thoughts and actions.  Divorce did not just happen to me.  It takes two to tango.  But only one to end the tango.  One can be unfaithful to their faith or misled by the world.  I share some culpability, or maybe even most.

The great mystery of my faith is that no matter who is “at fault”, I can humbly offer the pain each day and each moment to Christ in the economy of redemption for the salvation of my soul and that of others.  If the saints could offer the pain of little discomforts , illnesses, abuse and even torture and death, then I can offer the pains, emotional, psychological, intelectual, physical and spiritual for the same reasons. 

As I work through the pain, I constantly pray to offer it yes, but also I pray that the fire of the pain in my soul might burn out all the impurities there.  Like gold in the crucible as scripture says.  So may all the imperfections in my soul be burned out! 

The pain from this divorce is so severe at times I can hardly function.  At those times, I have to beg God for the grace to take the next step, to prepare the next meal, do the next load of laundry, help my handicapped son with his shower or say night prayers with the boys.  It is a place of deep humiliation – I can only function as a father by begging God for the grace to carry out the rudiments of being a human being.  I am reduced to being a beggar to exist. 

In my pain and humiliation, I seek God, not for comfort or compensation, but for peace.  I keep thinking about the Last Supper and Jesus who knew what He was going to suffer, stayed focused on why He came and His mission of salvation. Not once on the way from the Last Supper to the Cruxification did He become angry or hateful or vengeful.  With one thought he could have ended it or the existence of any or all there.  He did not. 

He can and has shown me how to walk that some path, even though I have not walked it without failing many times.  So I take my pain there, to the Cross and give it to Him.  Hang it on the Cross with Him.  And pray for peace within me.  And not judge or condemn because I am in this place of suffering.  May my suffering be joined to His for His redemptive purposes.

Then I may know peace.  Even as I carry the Cross of my state in life.

Posted in Dealing with the pain | 6 Comments »

Psychology, therapy and the role of grace

December 12th, 2009

A Catholic coworker who recently went through a divorce was telling me that his wife who had been to lots of therapists before, during and after their divorce was pressuring her adult 19 year old daughter to go to a therapist to deal with ‘potential’ issues arising from their divorce.  She wanted the ex-husband to help pressure the daughter as well.  He asked my advice.

I am not a therapist, and have nothing against them as I have been helped through some extraordinarily tough issues in my life (for another day) with some good therapists.  But I have also learned some things that have put their value and place into perspective.

My bottom line:  picture yourself – here we are at one level, if you can imagine, hold your hand at a low level.  And where God wants us is at a much higher level, holding your other hand at a higher level.  He intends for us to close the gap with the grace He provides – in abundance if we ask for it continually and persistently.  What I see so often and even fell into it in my past at times, was that today, psychology and therapy, etc. purport to fill that gap.  I have seen so many cases, and in fact, I think, my ex-wife, where the person turned to the therapists and self help groups (I have attended them myself for short periods looking for answers) who told people how to think and react.  The role of complete dependence on God and His grace was left out of the picture or at least made secondary in actual practice, despite the fact that the 12 Steps advocate complete dependence on God (Step 3).  Easy to say, difficult to do would be my observation.  But this is not about debating the value of the 12 Steps, which I think are actually very good.

As I said, I think there is a role for therapists, psychology (I have nearly enough credits for a masters in psych and my daughter is a shrink) and self help groups.  But while all those may acknowledge Jesus Christ to some degree, they do not purport to be the secondary or servant of Jesus and the graces He offers for us to rise above our human nature and take on the divine through grace.  Instead, they all profess to provide the answers – even the self help goups. 

Let me take on the issue of the self-help groups based on the 12 Steps.  I believe in the 12 Steps – when “God as we know Him” is Jesus Christ.  What I have seen at all levels of those programs however, is that naturally, people in those groups do not have the same views, and therefore, in my opinion, while God is the object of their stated goal, cannot enjoy the fullness of the grace offered by Jesus Christ, who is “the Way, the Truth and the LIfe”.

As a divorced Catholic dad, my responsibility to myself and my children is make sure that the first and foremost place of healing and restoration we go to is the graces offered by Jesus Christ and His Church through the Sacraments.  Every other source is secondary and useless without that foundation first.  I need the graces of the Sacraments, particularly Reconcilliation first and then Eucharist in order to clear away the debris in the soul left by my sin and be left full of grace.  Then I can see and hear with divine sensibilities. 

And the journey from the state I am in at the moment to the state God is calling me to is easier as I am not weighed down with the baggage of sin, but rather fortified and strengthened by grace.  As a divorced Catholic dad, everything I do and undertake must have as its foundation the graces offered by Jesus Christ and his Catholic Church.  Frequent Confession, Mass and Eucharist are the best foundation to build any healing, restoration and higher state of being that God is calling me to.

Posted in The Role of Grace | No Comments »

A story of financial infidelity

September 1st, 2008

A reader of the web site and blog sent me the email below.  I attempted to reply to him, but the email was incorrect and I was unable to reach him for permission to move the discussion to the blog.  However, I thought it was a story readers would benefit from, so I have changed his name and a detail or two to protect his identity:

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Dave,

I am Catholic and I am divorcing my wife of ten years due to lies, what I consider fraud, and now bankruptcy due to her many financial infidelities.
 
I am currently saddled with all household bills with no contribution from my ex-wife. On some months the outgoing bills and expenses exceed my income and I have had to rely on family members to cover the budget gaps during recent months. My ex-wife refuses to pay any bills associated with the household even though she does produce and income from part time work. Since keeping a roof over our head for the sake of my daughter is the number one priority, my income is put toward the household bills first (i.e. mortgages, utilities, food, etc.) Additionally, the household bills consume all my income and I do not have additional funds to put toward my ex-wifes debt repayment currently. I do make monthly payments on our joint credit card which is all that I have the bandwidth for at this time.

My ex-wife has shown a history of spendthrift behavior, deceit, and extremely high hidden credit card balances relative to our earnings. This behavior began during our first year of marriage when my ex-wife squandered almost $10K of wedding money that was given to us by our families. This misfortune was further compounded when at the same time, my ex-wife ran up an additional $8.5K of hidden credit card debt. All of these expenditures took place without my knowledge or consent. By the time I found out it was too late. I stepped in to clean up the mess; we patched up our marriage and moved on with the mutual understanding that this was not the way to run a household.

This behavior pattern repeated itself three years later when my ex-wife ran up another $12K in hidden credit card debt. Again, these expenditures took place without my knowledge or consent. The mail was hidden from me and calls from bill collectors were deleted from the answering machine. Out of a commitment to make the marriage work, I stepped in again, putting forth all manner of initiatives and solutions to pay down the debt and clean up our damaged credit. My ex-wife and I patched up the trust that was lost in our marriage and moved on. I sincerely wanted to make this marriage work. I was promised by my ex-wife that something like this would never happen again, especially since we were planning to have children. We both agreed that lies, irresponsibility, and self-inflicted financial hardship would be a suboptimal environment to raise a family.

Three years later, my ex-wife continued her negative contribution to the marriage by initiating another $46K of hidden credit card debt. Some of which began just before my daughter was born but really commenced just after my ex-wife quit her job that year. So much so, that there is not even sufficient household income to repay the minimum balances. Additionally, $5K of reserve fund savings went to pay off the initial past due card balances beginning last fall, when I first learned of these debts. This coincides with the time when my ex-wife up left with my daughter for three weeks to stay with her parents. During this time, about $1,600 was withdrawn by my ex-wife from my daughter’s bank UGMA account to cover additional hidden credit card balances. There is now a $1.73 left in this account for my daughter’s college savings. A $500 gift check, given to my daughter from my Godmother, was also cashed and spent by my ex-wife without my knowledge after I was repeatedly told that it was lost.

She duped me three times in our ten year marriage. Each time with a promise to change and that it would never happen again. I bailed us out of it each time, and when enough time went by and I let my guard down, she did it again. This third and final time I am forced to file bankruptcy, attempt to sell my house in a down market (all offers have been less than I paid for the home), my credit is ruined because she put my name on some of the cards which she never intended to pay, and to forfeit all of the sweat equity that I put into this home over the past four years of back breaking renovations that were done on nights and weekends after my 60 hour work week.

I know that this site is geared toward Dad’s who have been left. However, I just wanted to let you know that there are catholic dad’s out there like me who hung in there and tried in earnest to make it work but opted out after years betrayal and deceipt.

Thanks,

Joe

 

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Posted in Financial | 1 Comment »

The issue of annulment

August 11th, 2008

A non-Catholic friend of mine was asking me about the Church and annulments today when we got around to the topic of each of our love lives.   He is also divorced.  I told him that while I had lots of opportunities to entertain one, I had decided to avoid even entertaining the notion in the near term until I got my annulment paperwork submitted and had an answer back.  He was perplexed.  Especially when I told him another friend of mine was trying to set me up with a ‘drop dead gorgeous and well to do” woman my age who he thought was a great match.

I tried to explain to him that as much as I wanted and felt I needed a female companion which is A LOT, I did not want to go down that route until I knew what God had decided in my case from the Tribunal.  I think that I do not want to date if the purpose of dating is at some point a longer, enduring relationship if the judgment of the Tribunal is that I am still married in the eyes of God.  Then in truth, I could not date and be true to my state in life as God sees it.  Ouch, that’s painful to even contemplate, but truth is truth.

I do believe there is more than good reason for an annulment in my case, but I have to trust God with that part of my life like I trust Him with every other part.  My friend understood that, but thought that the Church’s rules were kind of harsh since “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis).  I tried to explain to him that it was not the Church’s rules.  It is simply the Church seeking the truth about how God sees my relationship  and then helping me to see what God sees.  Truth.  Plain and simple.  No rules involved.

The result can be hard to bear.  It is hard enough the last 20 months going it alone and living a chaste, celibate life as a father with 2 kids with disabilities and working full time.  And to have that for my future as a possibility is a cross I pray I do not have to bear.  I can hardly bear it now.  I am just trusting God that in fact, whatever He wills for me in the future will be accompanied by the graces needed as they always are.  I cannot even look to the future.  That is His business and not mine.

I can certainly understand a Catholic man who decides to fore go  the annulment process and remarries anyway.  I  feel sorry for them, though, because I think God wanted to show him something and he chose to turn away from the truth, whatever it was.  Or guys who do not remarry, but just go from one relationship to the next.  Sometimes the stress from my aloneness makes me a wreck and it is everything I can do not to chuck the ‘rules’ and go blow off steam with a date and one night stand – maybe.  But then I have to come back to reality and I know that’s even more impossible than living the way I am now – sooner or later I will have to face the truth again the way God sees it all.  Better now than discover a trail of pain and regrets later.

So I have to rejoice at my friend’s questions because it caused me to patiently explain my beliefs and attitudes and not some set of ‘rules’ that I do not even know anyway.  And sometimes we do not really know what we believe until we have to emote them.

I would be interested in how others perceive this issue.  Obviously there is a lot more to this discussion than what I could have written here – heck there are whole books and libraries on the topic.  I was simply trying to explain what a plain ordinary Catholic guy thinks about living my faith in this area.

Your thoughts?

Peace

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Posted in Annulment | 4 Comments »

Greetings

August 11th, 2008

Thanks for coming to our blog. Look here for future posts to Divorced Catholic Dads.  I sincerely hope that what you find on this web site is useful to your spiritual walk in the most difficult experience.  Please let me know what you think about the blog and the site.  And how I can improve it.

Peace

Dave

Posted in Welcome - A Home for Dads dealing with Divorce | 4 Comments »