Thanks for the comment. I apologize for not responding sooner. I have had a heavy travel schedule that included a visit to Lourdes where I have prayed for you and all Divorced (or Divorcing or Separated) Catholic Dads, and have a Mass scheduled soon for all your intentions and those of your families, and for miraculous healings of relationships where God wills.

Your observation that “this process is an awesome opportunity for redemptive suffering” is right on!! If nothing else, that is what this site is about in the end and hopes might be the intention of every DCD.

Can you even begin to imagine what would happen if every DCD had your attitude? They would become saints – like Bernadette of Lourdes. But wait, isn’t that our calling, to become holy saints? That calling is for EVERY person, not just priests and nuns or whoever you might think holy people of the past were.

I have a saying: “For me, God is in the mud and the blood and the beer” of our very common and every day lives. We can be the saints Heaven needs to accomplish the transfomation and redemption of the world. And an unwanted divorce which causes incredible pain, offers an incredible opportunity to help the mission of Heaven as Christ wills it.

I am praying for you. Jesus Christ is with you every moment of every day and will not leave you for a moment – ever. May He be extraordinarily present to you as you turn to Him.

It has been two years since I slept in the same home as my wife, one year since she divorced me. I believe that she has had no sexual relations with anyone else in at least 16 years, I know she wouldn’t take that step lightly and we share custody of three children so we are always seeing each other and attending functions together for the kids etc. I love this woman like the day we were married. I love her like the day our 9 year old son was born, like the day our 8 year old daughter was born, like the day our 6 year old son was born. I cannot honestly comprehend the thought of moving on before she does. I don’t know how I will cope with another man in her life, so I really work very hard at trying to keep my consciousness in the present, to not think about what hasn’t even happened yet. When I find myself worrying about things that I have no control over. When I allow my mind to use my memories to make predictions of the future, I ask Jesus to help me to clear my mind, through prayer and meditation. I wish it was a linear path to the peace I seek, but it is not. It get’s easier, but then it gets harder again. I’m in a better place overall spiritually than I was 6 months ago and was better 6 months ago than I was a year ago, but I have days that are as raw and emotional as any of my entire life. I have to fight a spiritual war within myself nearly every time I leave the kids with her after they’ve spent a few days with me. One and a half years ago I couldn’t even get out of the house before the tears would start to flow. A year ago sometimes I wouldn’t cry after leaving the kids. It’s been at least six months since I cried at my desk at work, but I’ve hid in the bathroom stall and bawled silently like a baby at least once in the last couple of months. I guess I’m saying that you have to fight your way back from a loss like this, and it doesn’t always get a little bit better every day. So when the pain is there, you’ve got to let it out, feel it, let it wash over you, and then as soon as you realize where you are, ask the Holy Spirit to fill you up again. Don’t know if this will help you guys, but it’s been good for me.

5 years ago my Mother died suddenly, my Dad had been ill for about 5 years with his arteries slowly shutting down and all the ill that goes with that. 4 1/2 years ago I placed my father in Hospice and was told he wouldn’t live through his next upset stomach. Turns out they were right, when you have no blood circulation, any little stress on the organs causes them to just turn off. Dad died exactly 11 months after Mom, I saw his broken heart after Mom died and it renewed my love for my wife exponentially, I knew we would stay together forever and die in old age. Then 3 years ago the company that I worked at for 10 years went bankrupt and was picked up by a competitor. 2 years ago my wife told me she wanted a divorce (All I could think about was whether or not she had been waiting for three years to tell me she didn’t love me while I was going through one challenge after another). One year ago the divorce was final and two months after that I turned 40! Someone mentioned the stress of divorce being physically manifested in having a heart attack or other illness. Vicious circle ahead! You’ve got to exercise your mind, body and your soul, you need them all to LIVE!

GOD BLESS ALL YOU WHO ARE HURTING, IT’S PRETTY AMAZING WHAT YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT.

Very well written post. I can echo much of the same thoughts and feelings in my own experience here. I have also made the connection that this process is an awesome opportunity for redemptive suffering. Just a thought I’d like to share – the last few Sundays while I was at Mass with my daughters, I just felt the urge to offer the suffering I experienced on that particular day for my wife, in reparation for her sins, and for her conversion. I’ve had the idea of offering my suffering each day of the week for either something or someone in particular.

All the best on your journey through this. Please pray for me, I am still in the process of getting divorced – still live in the same house with my wife, and we haven’t told the kids yet. I’ll remember you and your readers in my prayers as well.

Mike

You bring up a really great point. The hearts of God’s innocent children were made for peace and joy and happiness; they were never made for trauma, and the trauma of a divorce is among the worst that a child can experience as it goes straight to their identity of who they thought they were – children loved by mom and dad. (Not that they are not, but there are many distorted perceptions that become their reality during a divorce) And they discover that love is conditional and can end. And so they become filled with anger or depression, loneliness, cynicism and so on. And that becomes a breeding ground for Satan’s work.

Our compassion for our children, and all children of divorce as you point out so well, should wound our hearts and cause us to look beyond our own suffering. Would that all Divorced Catholic Dads see what you see – to unite our sufferig to the Cross of Christ, as He suffered in His compassion for the loss of so many of His creatures He had begotten through all time. As we enter into the pain of the loss of all children of divorce, we take our eyes off our own pain and look to theirs, just as Christ did in His Passion. Then we are truly united to His Cross. And again, your prayer is perfect…”for the salvation of the souls of children of divorce especially those in most need of Thy mercy.”

I pray that this message, your insights, might reach all Divorced Catholic Dads so that the world might be changed. God bless you in your suffering. You are in my prayers.

Thank you for your comments – I think they largely reflect my attitudes. I would say that the boys and I are better now than we have ever been, and happier and more content than ever, so we are a peaceful family.

And believe me, every time I talk to a woman, I think how complicated life would become if the conversation ever got more than just chatting. Humanly, it is tough, because a part of me seeks the companionship and another part of me wants the peacefulness of aloneness. I do not so much struggle with it as just observe the contradiction within myself. Right now, my first focus is to grow my relationship with God, putting that at the center of my life, trusting Him that everything else will work out.

And then second is taking care of the boys, and yes, I am completely accepting of the fact that I may be caring for them the rest of my life alone. Some days, while I am accepting of that, I struggle with it because the load is heavy, but then I find myself calling out to Jesus for help, and He always answers me.

The issue of annulment is more about clarity in my life than anything else. I think it is important to know what paths or doors are open, and which are closed as I seek to know His will for me in my life.

I am happy to hear that you are fighting for custody of your children. It sounds like your priority is stability for your 2 girls and that is critical for them.

Even more so, the most important thing we can give our children is faith, and as we move through life as a Divorced Catholic Dad, I think it is critical that our children see us dealing with all the challenges that entails with a faith first attitude.

In the end, every issue I face in life comes back to my faith and Jesus Christ. It sounds trite, but Jesus really IS the answer to every question I have. And the most important work I have on this earth is the work of Heaven – building the Kingdom of Heaven.

By the way, as I have said elsewhere in the blog, I have found the Volumes from the web site http://www.directinforourtimes.com to extremely helpful in this regard.

Peace,

Dave

I understand and completely respect the pain and lonliness you are going through. I personally have been through a horrible situation with my divorce. Actually the divorce was relatively easy, it was the situations leading up to the divorce which were so horrible.

The bottom line is this. You are the father of your children and you must be prepared to raise them by yourself….alone. It’s not just the struggle of chastity and the rest. If you fail there you can go to confession. God has called on you to be a father and you must be prepared to accept that all the way (sex is minor. being a good father is huge!). Your wife is gone…you need to do it alone.

I have 2 daughters and the destruction of our family home was the most devastating aspect of this diovrce. My X basically ran off with another man and wanted to take my kids with them. I am currently fighting, will always fight for custody, and have my daughters at least half the time and perhaps full time in the near future…or if the secular courts decide, will loose them. All the chips are pushed forward.

What do I know about raising 2 girls? Nothing! I cannot fix their hair. My house lacks the little things that a woman brings. I dream of an attractive woman with a good job who will love me forever. That will make life so easy….but it is only an escape hatch from uncertainty and it will be nice to have the extra pay check. It may also bring disruption….suddenly my girls will have to adapt to the requirements of an outsider. There will be no disruption in my house!

The primary goal is not annulment. I think you are right in pursuing it, but your primary goal is getting your head around the concept that it may be best to just raise your kids alone. I went through 8 years of Jesuit schools. Now I am not such a big fan of the Jesuits today, but they did teach me one small thing. “You have to love yourself before you can love others effectively.” Once you accept your situation and are ready to go it alone, then you can give yourself totally to another. Also, you will pick the right woman because you love her and do not need her. Perhaps you do not need a good looking woman with money….but being a single dad, I must admit that sounds good.

Anyway, I’m not being critical, just ranting.

Take care brother!

Jim

Thanks for your posting. My recommendation is that you pray about where God would you to be in terms of a parish. Then talk to the pastor about your situation. I have to believe you will find them very welcoming. Whether you were married in a church previously will have a big impact on your status, I believe. It is only in prayer that you will come to understand what God is asking of you, though, and you will need the grace of wisdom and courage as you pursue His will for you.

By the way, why are you making the decision to convert to Catholicism? What has motivated you?

Peace
Dave

I have decided to go through RCIA and covert to catholicism but I am divorced. I am not exactly sure what I must do to be accepted due to the fact that I am divorced and I am coming from a Baptist background? I have been looking up any all references on RCIA and I am going to ask my cousin if she would be my sponser. I don’t have a particular church home and have been struggling on where to go. I want to go where I at least know someone and hopefully I can start going with her. I have a 2 year old daughter who mostly stays with her mother who is Lutheran. I want to get full custody but with the way the court systems are it is very difficult.

I know well the feeling of helplessness as you watch your wife make decisions that seem completely irrational – to you. And yet they seem perfectly rational to her – and she has support in that from friends I am sure. And without your detailed counter arguments to those friends, those rationale are reasonable. After all, they know her and like her, and believe her, right?

As for the former co-worker, how could he be giving any rational advice? Based on what expertise? His life clearly states that he has none – he is as dysfunctional as they come. Better if you both resume the ‘rediscovery’ program as you both know that there is decades of wisdom and experience in that program. Which of the two can be trusted without self interest on their part?

Al, as strange as this sounds, from my experience I think that the crisis you are in is one that gives you an opportunity to grow spiritually and grow in holiness. As your wife struggles with her decision and even attacks you, look to Jesus and His example in His Passion, from the Mount of Olives to the Cross. He desires that your suffering bring you to a greater holiness. Do not make the mistake of listening to your head or emotions – there is no wisdom there. My experience has taught me that ONLY Jesus Christ has the wisdom I need.

Here is an opportunity to love, to forgive and not to hate, take out vengeance, anger, resentment or bitterness on her. He walked His entire life, especially the Passion, without any of that! How far that is from where I am! But if I acknowledge my own sinfulness and beg for His mercy, He will pour out his grace on me.

I would suggest as strongly as I possibly can, that you go to the web site, http://www.directionforourtimes.com and order the Volume Six “Heaven Speaks to Families” and the booklet “Heaven Speaks about Divorce”. Take them and go sit in church in front of the Tabernacle, or even better, in a Eucharistic Adoration Chapel, and read and pray into them. I guarantee you He will enlighten your heart and mind if you surrender yourself completely to Him. He will point out your way forward, step by step as long as you keep trusting (Peter on the water kind of thing).

You are in my heart and mind and prayers as I beg Jesus for mercy on your situation. Expect a miracle, but in a way that you will not anticipate.

Peace,
Dave