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When a wife leaves for another woman – Another Story – Divorced Catholic Dads

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Mar 16

When a wife leaves for another woman – Another Story

My friends, it seems that Jose’s story is not unique, as the dialogue with Bill below shows.  In this case, his wife has not left physically, but in every other way.  Unfortunately for him and the children, I suspect that the damage is worse because of it, as they have been living a lie for so long.  Here is the dialogue as it has occured to this point.

Again, I would ask you to post in the comments on the web site rather than email.  Thanks.

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From: webmaster

To: dave

Subject: Submitted Form Report

Divorced Catholic Dads

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Name: Bill

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Comments:

Dear Dave,

I have been married for 19 years with 2 kids (Daughter 1x and son 1x).

When our son was 3, he was diagnosed to be mildly autistic and underwent chemotherapy for leukemia (AML)as well. When he was 13, he was had epilepsy and he is still on medication. He is now in remission for his leukemia. Praise the Lord!!

As Asians, English is not our spoken language and we were not Christians.

We converted to Catholicism back in 20xx when our son was healed by Jesus through intercessions from our Holy Mother.

Since day 1, the foundation of our marriage was rather weak. There were hardly any serious husband-wife communications; very infrequent physical intimacies…I was basically a loner. When our daughter was about 6 months old, I found stacks of photos and love letters addressed to her…..from several women. Some of them were even in our home whike I was out working.

Our marriage started to collapse when our son was diagnosed with leukemia in 20xx. We could not handle the stress….were were not intimate but over 2 years. Our marriage somehow improved when our son recovered and after our baptism.

However, I guess she could not leave her alternative lifestyle behind and recently, I discovered she was seeing another woman, she had also placed postings for “woman-seeking-women” websites, transferred funds to another woman etc….Yes, she is a home-maker and presumably, she is using her allowances (from me) to support her partner/s financially. Our communications these days is non-existent. Just a casual “Hi, how was your day?”

I have spoken to my parish priest and he advised me to pray and persevere; offer my sufferings to Jesus….I have been doing that all these years and never gave up.

I have gone into depression and have insomia. I am seeking a shrink and on medication. I feel much better now.

I plan to initiate divorce proceedings in 3-4 years time when my daughter turns 21-22.

I just dont know if divorce is the way to go actually. I am afraid of hurting my kids.

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From: Dave
Sent: Thursday, March 15
To: Bill
Subject: RE: Divorced Catholic Dads post

Bill,

My heart breaks to read your story.  As you know from reading the blog, you are not alone in suffering this particular situation.

In this place of suffering, Jesus means to draw you close, to a place of peace, no matter what is going on around you.  Priority #1: Take the time to avail yourself of the Sacraments of Confession and Eucharist.  In Confession the clouding effects of sin are wiped away making the soul receptive to grace and light and wisdom that comes from the Body of Christ in Eucharist.  My first priority in suffering is to draw closer the Lamb who walked the Passion in great suffering, but tremendous inner peace.  “My peace I give you, my peace I leave you.  Not as the world gives peace…”  He will grant you that peace as you need it.

Bill, this is not a psychological struggle, although certainly I know myself the depression that comes from suffering emotional and psychological pain.  No, this is primarily a spiritual struggle and a mighty one at that.  You need all the spiritual armor you can get.  Then you need to ‘gird you loins, pick up the shield and spear’ of the Spirit and fight it like a man of God.   With gentleness and humility and compassion, yes, but the uncompromising truth.  The spear of truth is the Light of Christ shining on darkness and evil.

So the question is, how do you handle the fact that your wife is cheating on you and has been for some time? Maybe, and likely even before the marriage? Whether it is a woman or a man is not important, the fact is that she has broken the marriage vows and lives the lie of infidelity.

You say you are afraid of hurting your kids, but the reality is that they are already being hurt by living in the situation.  They see it, sense it and know it deep within themselves.  At the moment, everyone in the house is living a lie.  The home should be spiritual school of the heart – a place to school the family on the art of living a holy life, not one of living in deception.  Which is the greater hurt, to evade reality, give in to the lie and let evil have a footing in the family, or confront the reality and let the human emotions suffer a little?  Truth in love must always win out.

You obviously have a tremendous amount of strength to persevere for so long, but that has worked against you, as you have allowed this lie to go on for so long.  It also sounds like you have a lot of compassion which you will need going forward.

I think you will need to know what your options are ahead of time, but somehow, the objective of restoring the marriage so that Christ is integral to it must be the focus.  The Sacrament is not a two way deal.  It is three way, three persons.  The two of you bonded to Christ and each other with His grace.  Otherwise, there is no marriage, just cohabitation, a lie in and of itself.

You are worried about whether divorce is the right thing?  I would not worry so much about that, as it may be that there was never a valid marriage in the first place.  I would focus on determining how to restore it, if that is even possible.  Christ will show you the way.

What is really at stake here, Bill, is the salvation of souls.  Yours, your wife’s and your children.  And then the souls of all those who know you and your family.  The children need to be rooted in truth and love, and see you as compassionate and loving.  Perhaps your wife has an addiction and needs help – you may be the only one who can save her.  Christ has made His Presence known in your lives – you are now Catholic and He means to manifest His will in your lives.  Could it be that He is asking you to reach out in love to draw her back into His will?  What if her salvation is dependent on you?  Then it is urgent that you approach Him and seek His will.

Don’t look for wisdom in how to handle this from the world.  Yes, priests and lawyers and psychologists can have some practical advice, but the real wisdom you seek is the wisdom from the Spirit.  Look at some of the advice on how to do that on the blog.  There are a number of posts along those lines.  See also the DECIDE TODAY post.

Peace

Dave

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Sent: Friday, March 16
To: Dave
Subject: RE: Divorced Catholic Dads post

Dave,

I believe my wife and I are suffering in silence. Both of us are waiting for each other to ‘push the button’ and I feel that it is now appropriate that I initiate it.

You are right. Both of us have been acting out and lying to ourselves. We hold hands when we are out and we acted as though we are a happy family. At home, she stays in the living and me, in the bedroom.

We do not share our thoughts and at most, it’s very casual conversation like “what’s on TV?” or “what’s for dinner?”.We do have family dinners together and that’s the closest family time we have.

We have been sleeping separately for 3 years due to the fact that our son has early morning epileptic attacks and need someone to be with him. So, bedding arrangement is such that I sleep with my son in the master-bedroom and she, with our daughter. So, we have not been intimate since then.

Our 1st year of marriage in 19xx was pure hell for me. I didn’t understand why she set up “Sex Rules” …..no intimacy on weekdays; only on Saturdays IF she’s not tired. If she is then I will have to wait for the following weekend! Frequency was about once every 2 months if I was lucky. Subsequently, the frequency was further reduced till in 20xx, she told me that she doesn’t like doing it anymore.

Before my treatment for depression in Jan 20xx, I was angry with her for her emotional and mental abuse she had caused me. Before my baptism in 20xx, I felt it was justified to have my own flings and I did, out of spite and revenge. When I gave up these flings, I resorted to masturbation to curb my sexual needs. I felt miserable going for weekly Confessions as I was crucifying Jesus each time I succumb to these acts. I struggled with this addiction and prayed to Jesus to stop it.

I was also suffering from low self-esteem as I felt I was a failure as a man. My ego was bruised and battered. I developed excessive and uncontrollable retail therapy piling up credit-card debts of over $150,000. Fortunately, I was able to convert the outstanding amount to a 5-year bank loan paying $2,500/monthly. I am now in my 3rd year of the loan.

Since  taking Lexapro and Zipoclone in Jan 20xx, my libido has diminished significantly and I no longer resort to masturbation. My compulsive spending has also stopped and I feel much better now.

I have also forgiven her and released her from my anger and bitterness. I try to spend quiet times with the Lord and go for daily evening Mass. I meet up with my Spiritual Director from Opus Dei monthly to discuss over issues and get spiritual nourishment from him.

As for the divorce plans, I intend to discuss with my lawyer on the options available. My wife does not know that I have details of the funds transfer, her web-postings and that she was seen with another woman in a shopping mall. She still thinks everything is fine. I would like to avoid all these revelations and work towards an amicable and mutual agreement where we can still remain friends.

I am certain that if her secrets were out in the open, she will categorically deny them and may even devastate her. Being openly gay in this part of Asia may not be socially accepted. I still care for her well-being and I pray for the wisdom and guidance for the Holy Spirit to help me make the right decisions.

I am actually confused. Has the Lord recognized of my tolerance and perseverance all these years and is He revealing to me all these “evidences” for me to take action? Does He have other plans for me? As an Asian and a Catholic, divorce was never an option for me all this time. I always believe divorce is a very selfish act by adults who only think of their own happiness without any concern or love for their children. I am beginning to think otherwise now as my health is now affected and it’s my responsibility to make things right.

I have told her many times that I would like to grow old together with her but I guess that was never in her plans.

Regards, Bill

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From: Dave
Sent: Friday, March 16
To: Bill
Subject: RE: Divorced Catholic Dads post

Bill,

Your story comes at a very interesting time.  I just received an email from Jose, whose story you see on the blog.  (I know the blog is pathetic.  I am working on it.) He has been through something very similar and here is part of the result:

 

God has blessed me immensely and I am moving forward with my life.

 Since the last time I spoke to you I enrolled in a Christian College and started taking MINISTRY Classes here in Texas.

 I am actually working on my MASTERS in Mediation and will be completing  it in September.

My daughter is staying more frequently with me, and she has very little to do with her mom. She finally revealed to me,  that they found out their mom had been lying to them the whole time. God has helped her reconcile with me and seeing the truth. My favorite bible verse- ROMANS 8:18 I consider the present sufferings not compared to the future glory that will be revealed to me..

AS you know the course of events what I went through and where God has been leading me…I am very blessed and being obedient and following his word. ROMANS 12:1 Being Transformed with my life and proving what is good and acceptable to the will of God. 

I now can see GOD had a purpose and moving all the evil away from me. It was very painful during that time,  and I know I persevered with his help and with several people who were supportive of me throughout all of this. .

 

 

In Jose’s life, like yours, it was a homosexual wife.  She refused to be helped and turned the children against him initially. But you see the fruit of it.  From a destroyed man to a free and ‘resurrected’ man.

The truth has to come out.  I cannot speak for anyone and certainly not for the church, but I question the validity of the marriage in the first place given the unexpressed pre-conditions she had on sex and her more than likely addiction to homosexuality before entering the marriage.  The question needs to be asked, does she want help?  It seems to me that you have endured terrible suffering, but also perpetuated, as I did myself, an untruth.  In my case, the marriage should have ended 6 months in, although we were both Catholic and I never even knew anyone who had been divorced.  Yes, and we pretended a lot, putting on a good public face.  And yes, the denial of sex was one of the weapons she used, as sometimes it was years in between.

The question now is one of truth and saving souls.  Yours first, and those of your children and finally your wife’s if she is open to the truth.  Secrets must be made to be in the open.  Perhaps it is an addiction that needs treatment and you are the only one who can reach her.  But maybe it will be ‘tough love’ – she may have to lose it all and hit bottom by herself before she wakes up.

We are all in need of conversion – on a daily basis.  And you are in need of a very deep conversion to get very, very close to the Heart of Christ for what shall come.  It is good that you have this season of Lent to reflect on the Passion and the Way of the Cross, because that is to become your way.  Remember, He walked the entire Way of the Passion without any resentment, anger, bitterness or violence.  Just the Peace from the Father through the strength of the Spirit.  So must our walk of our own be, although we will fall as we fail at it, but that is the lesson of the Way of the Cross.

As the Peace of Christ becomes more of who you are, you will lose your anxiety and perhaps the need for compensations like spending, sex, food, etc. and maybe even the medications at some point (only a Dr. can tell you that).

As I mention elsewhere on the blog, there are some very good resources at Direction for Our Times.  You can purchase the books or even download for free.  http://www.directionforourtimes.org/library/  They were instrumental in rekindling my spiritual life.  In particular, you should read the Booklet on Divorce.  I would also recommend Volumes I and II.  I have read them all and they are superb.  Vol. II is for meditation.

I am here for you and obviously you are in my prayers. Your brothers in Christ can walk with you along this path.  I think our discussion will be valuable for other Divorced Catholic Dads.

Peace,

Dave

 

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