Thanks for coming to our blog. Look here for future posts to Divorced Catholic Dads. I sincerely hope that what you find on this web site is useful to your spiritual walk in the most difficult experience. Please let me know what you think about the blog and the site. And how I can improve it.
Peace
Dave
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Al
September 15, 2008 at 11:59 am (UTC -4) Link to this comment
My wife wants to divorce after what will be 13 years of marriage in a couple of weeks. We have two young children that we send to a Catholic school and we attend church weekly together as a family.
Like many couples, we have had our ups and downs but have always worked through our problems. We attended the Retrouvaille program earlier this year and thought we were on the path to rediscovery. A week after attending the program, the rediscovery was put on hold as a family member became terminally ill. My wife’s attention became devoted to the hospitalization and treatment of the family member. This family member moved in with us for the treatments and I am happy some of the symptoms and discomfort associated with the illness have been mitigated.
We are both practicing Catholics and she has not filed as of yet, but she seems resolved about her desire for divorce. Unfortunately for us, she has received plenty of encouragement from a former co-worker, who is twice divorced himself, that divorce is not that bad. If I told you his line of work, a stereotype career that would like have wonder aloud “it figures he would say something like that.” I have learned they are indeed very close and while a physical affair may not have occurred yet, an emotional affair is definitely taking place. It would not surprise me at all if a physical relationship had developed.
A divorce is not what I desire and I am having a hard time accepting this. It is very hard because this runs contrary to everything I have been taught about marriage. I attended an ACTS Retreat this past summer, which has helped give me peace and I am developing a deeper relationship with God (FYI – I highly recommend an ACTS Retreat to anyone). Throughout all of this, I have learned that I can only control what I do and how I react to things. I can try to shape things such as raising our children or offering advice, but God gives each of us a free will. We are called to live our life for Christ but we are free to live our lives as we choose.
Nothing is over until its over and since she has not filed for divorce, there is always hope. I pray for guidance in how to best deal with this. I know that I can only take care of myself and pray the Holy Spirit speaks to my wife and that she opens her heart & listens. Thank you very much for having this website. It is good to be able to share and have others to lean on during difficult times.
Al
Dave
September 15, 2008 at 10:55 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
AL,
I know well the feeling of helplessness as you watch your wife make decisions that seem completely irrational – to you. And yet they seem perfectly rational to her – and she has support in that from friends I am sure. And without your detailed counter arguments to those friends, those rationale are reasonable. After all, they know her and like her, and believe her, right?
As for the former co-worker, how could he be giving any rational advice? Based on what expertise? His life clearly states that he has none – he is as dysfunctional as they come. Better if you both resume the ‘rediscovery’ program as you both know that there is decades of wisdom and experience in that program. Which of the two can be trusted without self interest on their part?
Al, as strange as this sounds, from my experience I think that the crisis you are in is one that gives you an opportunity to grow spiritually and grow in holiness. As your wife struggles with her decision and even attacks you, look to Jesus and His example in His Passion, from the Mount of Olives to the Cross. He desires that your suffering bring you to a greater holiness. Do not make the mistake of listening to your head or emotions – there is no wisdom there. My experience has taught me that ONLY Jesus Christ has the wisdom I need.
Here is an opportunity to love, to forgive and not to hate, take out vengeance, anger, resentment or bitterness on her. He walked His entire life, especially the Passion, without any of that! How far that is from where I am! But if I acknowledge my own sinfulness and beg for His mercy, He will pour out his grace on me.
I would suggest as strongly as I possibly can, that you go to the web site, http://www.directionforourtimes.com and order the Volume Six “Heaven Speaks to Families” and the booklet “Heaven Speaks about Divorce”. Take them and go sit in church in front of the Tabernacle, or even better, in a Eucharistic Adoration Chapel, and read and pray into them. I guarantee you He will enlighten your heart and mind if you surrender yourself completely to Him. He will point out your way forward, step by step as long as you keep trusting (Peter on the water kind of thing).
You are in my heart and mind and prayers as I beg Jesus for mercy on your situation. Expect a miracle, but in a way that you will not anticipate.
Peace,
Dave
Jonathan
October 26, 2008 at 10:18 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Hi dave,
I have decided to go through RCIA and covert to catholicism but I am divorced. I am not exactly sure what I must do to be accepted due to the fact that I am divorced and I am coming from a Baptist background? I have been looking up any all references on RCIA and I am going to ask my cousin if she would be my sponser. I don’t have a particular church home and have been struggling on where to go. I want to go where I at least know someone and hopefully I can start going with her. I have a 2 year old daughter who mostly stays with her mother who is Lutheran. I want to get full custody but with the way the court systems are it is very difficult.
Dave
October 31, 2008 at 5:23 pm (UTC -4) Link to this comment
Jonathan,
Thanks for your posting. My recommendation is that you pray about where God would you to be in terms of a parish. Then talk to the pastor about your situation. I have to believe you will find them very welcoming. Whether you were married in a church previously will have a big impact on your status, I believe. It is only in prayer that you will come to understand what God is asking of you, though, and you will need the grace of wisdom and courage as you pursue His will for you.
By the way, why are you making the decision to convert to Catholicism? What has motivated you?
Peace
Dave