A non-Catholic friend of mine was asking me about the Church and annulments today when we got around to the topic of each of our love lives. He is also divorced. I told him that while I had lots of opportunities to entertain one, I had decided to avoid even entertaining the notion in the near term until I got my annulment paperwork submitted and had an answer back. He was perplexed. Especially when I told him another friend of mine was trying to set me up with a ‘drop dead gorgeous and well to do” woman my age who he thought was a great match.
I tried to explain to him that as much as I wanted and felt I needed a female companion which is A LOT, I did not want to go down that route until I knew what God had decided in my case from the Tribunal. I think that I do not want to date if the purpose of dating is at some point a longer, enduring relationship if the judgment of the Tribunal is that I am still married in the eyes of God. Then in truth, I could not date and be true to my state in life as God sees it. Ouch, that’s painful to even contemplate, but truth is truth.
I do believe there is more than good reason for an annulment in my case, but I have to trust God with that part of my life like I trust Him with every other part. My friend understood that, but thought that the Church’s rules were kind of harsh since “it is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis). I tried to explain to him that it was not the Church’s rules. It is simply the Church seeking the truth about how God sees my relationship and then helping me to see what God sees. Truth. Plain and simple. No rules involved.
The result can be hard to bear. It is hard enough the last 20 months going it alone and living a chaste, celibate life as a father with 2 kids with disabilities and working full time. And to have that for my future as a possibility is a cross I pray I do not have to bear. I can hardly bear it now. I am just trusting God that in fact, whatever He wills for me in the future will be accompanied by the graces needed as they always are. I cannot even look to the future. That is His business and not mine.
I can certainly understand a Catholic man who decides to fore go the annulment process and remarries anyway. I feel sorry for them, though, because I think God wanted to show him something and he chose to turn away from the truth, whatever it was. Or guys who do not remarry, but just go from one relationship to the next. Sometimes the stress from my aloneness makes me a wreck and it is everything I can do not to chuck the ‘rules’ and go blow off steam with a date and one night stand – maybe. But then I have to come back to reality and I know that’s even more impossible than living the way I am now – sooner or later I will have to face the truth again the way God sees it all. Better now than discover a trail of pain and regrets later.
So I have to rejoice at my friend’s questions because it caused me to patiently explain my beliefs and attitudes and not some set of ‘rules’ that I do not even know anyway. And sometimes we do not really know what we believe until we have to emote them.
I would be interested in how others perceive this issue. Obviously there is a lot more to this discussion than what I could have written here – heck there are whole books and libraries on the topic. I was simply trying to explain what a plain ordinary Catholic guy thinks about living my faith in this area.
Your thoughts?
Peace